


Hold onto each other

by spaceshipdear



Series: Love takes time [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Peggy Carter, Smut, Teenager Tony Stark, except for Bucky and Peggy, it's the longest slow burn of all for them, not exactly a slow burn, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 03:11:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15452085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceshipdear/pseuds/spaceshipdear
Summary: Peggy Carter almost died at the hands of a man whose face looks like a ghost from her past. James Buchanan Barnes was alive. She made it her goal to bring him back and help him remember who he was.Prequel forI'll be there when you wake up.





	1. March 1954

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel for [I'll be there when you wake up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810645/chapters/34269260). It will composed of snippets and scenes from Peggy and Bucky's past.
> 
> If you haven't read _I'll be there when you wake up_ I encourage you to do so. Although this takes place before, I will probably post in non-chronological order making it harder to understand if this is your introduction to this universe. 
> 
> There will most likely be more mentions of PTSD symptoms and canon-compliant violence than in the first story. Just want to make sure you take care of yourself if those are triggering. This is also rated as Explicit because let's face it I can't write something without smut in it... More tags might be added.
> 
> Again this is not beta'd, english isn't my first language so I'm absolutely sorry if this is full of horrible mistakes and grammar errors. 
> 
> Enjoy and let me know what you think!

The woman in front of him crouched down to avoid his blow. She was fast and clever in the way she fought in hand to hand combat. A little dirty too. Dirty was trickier. But he still had the upper hand.

The tunnel was dim but the grid leading to the street above let enough light in and allowed her to see him and anticipate his angles of attack. He needed to get her to a darker corner.

Before he had time to charge her and push her further in the tunnel he missed the moment she reached for a rebar forgotten near the construction site.

_Mistake_.

There was a protocol for mistakes. He winced.

She swung the steel bar and it landed on his cheek with a force he hadn’t foreseen. His head spun and the mask on his face was ripped away and landed on the dusty ground in a muted thud.

The strength and the surprise of the blow made him take a few steps back. There was blood on his face, he could taste it in his lips.

The pain would have to wait. He blocked it.

He turned back to face her and she stopped in her tracks immediately. She froze, the rebar still in her hand.

_Why?_

She was panting, breathless. She was spent. He could attack now and it would be over. But there was something in the stunned way she looked at him that he couldn’t comprehend. She had stopped fighting, she was still and tensed and eyes wide open. Her focus was off.

“Sergeant Barnes?”

The words rang in his ears, echoed in his brain, somewhere, forgotten.

He blocked them.

He started charging her way, her hold on the rebar tightened. He had to counter her next strike. She attacked his right side first 92% of the time. Predictable. Her mistake. There was no room for mistakes in combat.

She avoided his next blow. And the one after. But it was sloppy now. She was losing her grip. She was distracted.

_Opening_.

“Barnes, it’s me,” she shouted as she rolled down on the ground, losing the rebar when she landed on the floor against the wall. She cried in pain as her back hit the rusty surface covered in bolts on the wall.

_Strike, now._

She lifted her arm in front of her face to protect herself and dove down when he launched his foot to aim at her head. He missed, hit the wall. Just a setback.

She was done now.

He reached for her neck with his metal hand and she let out a gasp as he started squeezing and lifting her from the ground.

“You gotta recognize me,” she let out as she gripped his prosthetic arm with both hands, trying to make him loosen the grip. Useless. Once the target was locked, it was done. “I’m Agent— Peggy. Peggy C—” she choked and made strangled sounds as she tried to talk.

He slid her up against the wall, above ground, kicking her feet and trying to scratch the metal with her fingers.

Her eyes were filled with horror. For some reason he wanted to look away. He couldn’t. It had to be done.

“Bu—”, she stammered, suffocating, her skin taking the red, soon purple coloring he knew too well. “Bucky,” she said barely above a murmur. Barely alive.

It sent a white blinding electricity from his brain to his eyelids. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

_What—_

His fingers loosen up without his consent. Something fluttered inside him. A ripple. An echo.

_No. The mission._

The mission had to be complete.

“Bucky, stop, please,” she begged louder now that his fingers weren’t as tightly squeezed around her neck.

His head spun and when he looked deep into her eyes, into her fear, into the terror he saw something. Somewhere, far in his mind. A visor cap. The strong arms of a man helping him down from a cold table. A fire. The taste of warm beer. Her voice. Blue eyes. His eyes.

He dropped her on the ground, his fingers loosening against his will.

He watched her trying to catch her breath, her neck already turning purple, blood vessels burst in her eyes, the veins in her neck pulsing. He could hear her rapid heart rate ringing in his ears.

The electricity of the visions was still driving through his spine and when the woman opened her mouth to say something, he turned on his heels and started running.

He couldn’t hear it again.

_The name. Not this name._

…

He woke up in his cell. He didn’t know the day. Days didn’t have numbers. It didn’t matter. Only the mission mattered. He sat heavily on the edge of the cot and waited.

They handed him a file with one single photograph in it.

“Who is she?” He asked as a ripple tickled his brain.

“You don’t need to know soldier.”

“Kill order?” He asked mechanically.

The mission was always to kill. He didn’t remember the faces, nor the names. He just remembered how they died.

“Yes,” they said, “and don’t fail again.”

_Again?_

He looked back at the photograph.

She was familiar. The image of her butterflying against his mind.

He blinked.

_Don’t fail again._

…

Peggy was looking outside the window. It was pouring rain, the view was obstructed by the droplets and the grey light casting from the clouds. Not that she cared for the view. She wasn’t seeing anything else than the face of Bucky Barnes, eyes cold and glassy, shadowed with black paint. Merciless. Until she said his name.   
  
God, what happened to him. What on Earth had they done to this man.   
  
She knew who was behind it. SHIELD was watching a still active HYDRA cell in Poland and were meeting with the Polish government-in-exile in London. It didn’t go as planned. It really didn’t.

Someone, HYDRA she assumed at the time, sent a team to take them down with a ruthless operative leading them. Peggy was able to save Phillips and one agent, putting them in a car before the bullets started flying. But she failed the rest of the team. Two agents were killed, another was between life and death on an operation table right now. It was a mess. She was chased by the leader of what she learnt later was a KGB operation, not HYDRA and she had to hide in a construction tunnel. He found her soon enough.  
  
The operative almost got her too. She was lying on an hospital bed now, with a broken wrist, as well as three ribs, a dislocated shoulder and a myriad of possible damage induced by the strangulation; they wanted to keep her in observation for several days.   
  
She had been repeating the fight over and over in her head. Envisioning the moment the mask dropped and she saw his face. Remembering the feeling of his metal hand closing around her neck. He had almost killed her. A shiver went down her spine and she closed her eyes trying to keep the panic attack at bay.   
  
That was the moment Phillips chose to enter her hospital room.   
  
“For Christ’s sake Carter, you look like you were hit by a train.” The man grimaced as he was looking her over from the foot of the bed.   
  
“Feels like it too,” she said trying to straighten up a bit and wincing loudly in the process.   
  
Phillips held up his hand and rounded the bed to sit next to her.   
  
“You shouldn’t move,” he pretty much ordered.   
  
Peggy dropped back on the pillow behind. She was exhausted. Everything hurt and what they were giving her for the pain wasn’t nearly enough to numb her wounds and her brain. She hadn’t been able to sleep at all since they transferred her in this room.   
  
“So what happened back there?”   
  
She sighed and Phillips frowned at her lack of answers. She knew he was used to handle her wit and fast paced way of working and delivering information. Not this defeated version of herself. She was too tired to keep up appearances.   
  
“The operative. We know him.”   
  
“Who is he?”   
  
“James Barnes,” she said the name and felt the darkness of Bucky’s eyes envelop her again and the ghost of his fingers around her neck.   
  
“Sergeant Barnes? From Rogers’ unit?”   
  
She nodded.   
  
“He’s dead,” Phillips said coldly. “We sent a team to find his body. They returned empty-handed and frostbitten. He fell in a fucking canyon Carter, no way he had survived.”   
  
“You just said it. Empty-handed. They never found his body,” she stated, now staring at Phillips, feeling annoyed that he didn’t believe her.   
  
Phillips opened his mouth and closed it again, his jaw clenching.   
  
“It was him. I’m sure it was him,” she continued. “He didn’t recognize me. I think– I think they lobotomized him or something. He barely responded to his name.”   
  
“And he beat you up like that? Alone?”   
  
Peggy remained silent for a moment. Bucky Barnes was a good soldier, a great shot but he never was as good as her in hand to hand combat. She hadn’t want to face what had been on the back of her mind ever since their fight.   
  
“He has enhanced strength,” she said darkly. Phillips cussed between clenched teeth. “I don’t know if it’s the same serum created by Erskine or some sort of copycat Zola must have develop, but something was done to him.”   
  
“How did the KGB put their hands on Zola’s work?”   
  
“We don’t know the KGB did that to him.”   
  
“What are you thinking?” He frowned again, this time ready to listen to her theories.   
  
“Barnes was in HYDRA’s custody for several weeks before Stev– Captain Rogers rescued him and the rest of the 107th. They could very well have used him as a guinea pig during that time.”   
  
“That would explain how he survived the fall,” Phillips was following along with her theory now. She nodded. “How didn’t he, or didn’t _we_ realize they modified his physiology?”   
  
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s a slower process. I don’t–I don’t bloody know. But he was far too strong for it to be natural. He had a robotic arm too.” She lifted her chin as much as she could without being in excruciating pain. “Those are the result of it.”   
  
Phillips grumbled inaudible. “Everyone have a gimmick these days.”   
  
“I want to find him.”   
  
“Well, obviously–“ Phillips started and she cut him.   
  
“No Chester, you don’t understand,” she told him too dryly. He quirked up an eyebrow. “I _have_ to bring him back.”   
  
What she wasn’t telling is that in the core of her being she felt like this was her duty. A duty to Steve. She would not rest until they brought back Bucky Barnes.   
  
…   
  
A week later she left the hospital and headed directly to the airport to fly back to the United States, determined more than ever to find Bucky Barnes.   
  
Up on the roof of the building across the street the Winter Soldier was crouched down, watching her as she entered the cabbie with General Phillips and two SHIELD agents at her flanks.   
  
_Familiar_ . 


	2. October 1982

Her hand stopped mid air as Peggy was about to knock on the door. She hesitated for a second. Bucky and she were back in New York after 4 years of hiding out of the country. Four years for Bucky to finally get rid of the conditioning. Howard took care of the trigger words but there was still so much that Bucky needed to expel, to atone for. And to find back. His memories, his freedom and his life.

It was not all there. He came to terms with the fact that it might never be. But it was time to go home, to start living a life that was taken away from him a very long time ago. A life that Peggy had given back to him. 

He thanked her for the first time in the plane somewhere above the Atlantic ocean and she answered she had nothing to do with it, that it was his hard work and his goodness which brought him back. 

_ I know the sacrifices you made for me. I’ll never forget it. _

She inscripted his words in her mind. At the time she wasn’t aware it was a sacrifice. It felt like her duty. Her duty to Steve.

But maybe it was one. Then, it had been worth it. Bucky had been worth it. He was a good man, one of the best she had ever meet. What was done to him was despicable and he deserved a second chance. She was glad to be the one that gave him this opportunity. She could almost feel pride. If her grief wasn’t still eating her inside.

Howard offered them to stay in one of his properties in Manhattan but Bucky refused. He wanted to go back to Brooklyn, to a familiar environment. At least as familiar as it was now decades after the time he lived there. Peggy accepted Howard’s offer. Seeing Mister Jarvis regularly was one of the perks of living in one of Stark’s mansion. She had missed him terribly. And although the man was keeping quiet about it, as per his usual discreet charm, she knew he was more than thrilled to be around her after so long.

She didn’t really wanted to stay that far from Bucky, it wasn’t sitting well with her. But he reassured her, said he was alright, that she had to cut the apron strings eventually and let him loose. She wasn’t liking the metaphor, although he had a point. 

He seemed to like it. Being on his own and putting the pieces together on how to live by himself. She tried to put away the annoying feeling that she was losing him to a brand new life where he didn’t need her anymore. That was egotistic. And foolish. 

Howard was bringing her up to speed with SHIELD. She wasn’t too keen on diving back in so quickly. There was a lot that she didn’t approve in the way the organization had evolved. She still made time to see Bucky, almost every day. She felt like she could talk to him about this. That he was probably the only one with a neutral input and an understanding of the threats they were still facing.

Three days before finding herself at his front door, Peggy delivered an unmarked box to Bucky’s new place. When she set it on the table and told him what it contained, the man’s face became blank and so pale that for a second she was afraid he would faint. It was the box with Steve belongings, that was left with her after he was pronounced KIA. She had hold on to it for years and before going under the cryo procedure, she entrusted Jarvis to keep it safe. Now it was time for someone who really was Steve’s family to have it. 

Bucky said he would look at it, eventually.  _ Whenever you are ready. It should be yours. _ She simply answered and left him with the last tangible presence of Steve. 

But since that day she hadn’t heard a word from him. He never picked up the phone when she tried to call, several time the day before and that morning. She grew worried. He was better of course, he was almost completely whole again, perfectly capable to live on his own. But what if the pain brought by the memories contained in that box was too much to bear? 

She finally knocked. No answers. She did it again.

“James? It’s me,” she called.

She closed her eyes for a second and tried to hear what was happening inside. There was a shuffle, something against the wooden floor moved and then a sigh. He was in there.

She was about to call again when Bucky’s voice rose, barely audible for any other person.

“It’s open.”

The place was a mess. There were clothes, dishes and various items scattered everywhere, on the kitchen table, on the floor but mostly all over his bed located at the far end of the small studio apartment under a window leading to the fire escape. 

Bucky was on the floor leaning on the foot of the bed, holding something in his hand and staring at it like he wasn’t seeing anything.

Most of those items, Peggy knew them. As she progressed in the room she recognized the stack of letters on the table, close to the cardboard box where she stored Steve’s belongings.

She took the letters and looked at the stack for a moment. The string that held them together was still attached, it didn’t seem like Bucky had opened them. She recognized Steve’s elegant cursive handwriting. All her life she was told that men’s handwriting was generally barely readable. Steve’s wasn’t. It was just as his personality and his mind, beautiful and expressive. 

“There’s a drawing of you in there,” Bucky said, his voice sounded tragically tired.

She put the letters back where she found them and joined Bucky. When she crouched in front of him she finally got a good look at his face.

He had cried. She could see it, he had cried a lot. The rim of his eyes were red and swollen, his lips dry, cracking in some places and his cheeks seemed more hollow than when she left him three days ago.

She ignored what he said. She knew there was a drawing of herself in that specific sketchbook. She knew the contents of that box by heart. She had not looked inside it for more than twenty years, albeit she had spent most of that time in induced sleep but she had looked at these so often, over and over, during the weeks, months, probably years that followed the moment the SRR put that damn box in her care. She memorized it. It was her last link to Steve. 

“Have you eaten something?” She asked, pushing her thoughts away. She needed to make sure Bucky wasn’t spiraling.

“There’s a drawing of a flying car too. I think it’s the notebook he had at the time of the Stark Expo.” Bucky didn’t even seem to register her presence. It was like he was talking to himself. The broken edge in his voice made her stomach twist. Maybe giving him all this was a terrible idea. Maybe she should have stay with him.

“James,” she put her hand on his knee and his eyes immediately shot up to look at it. It had been easier to touch him this past year. Not that she tried to make physical contact often, but for a long time a simple brush of her hand on his arm could make him retreat into himself almost instantly. 

“James,” she repeated but he didn’t meet her gaze, “do you want a glass of water?” She asked calmly.

Spending four years with a brainwashed man had made her gain a patience that she had no idea she could ever display.

He just blinked, still lost somewhere in his head.

“I’ll get you one.” She stood up and went to fill a glass at the kitchen sink.

When she returned, Bucky had put down the notebook and had both elbows on his knees, his face was buried in his hands.

“Please, drink this,” she asked as she crouched down again in front of him. But he didn’t move. “James, please,” she begged, “drink it. For me.”

He slowly removed his head from his hands. There were tears in his eyes. They didn’t fall, she wasn’t sure he even had enough tears left in him anymore.

He took the glass and drowned it in one go. He groaned as he gave back the glass to Peggy, looking like it did him some good.

She smiled, feeling a little relieved. She wanted him to snap out of this state but she had to be gentle, patient. This was the worst she had seen him in a couple of years. She just couldn’t believe how stupid she had been, thinking he could handle all this by himself. She wanted to give him space, it clearly was a mistake. One she promised herself never to make again.

“I’m sorry, I should have stay with you.” She put her hand on his flesh arm. Touching his prosthetic had always made things worse when he still was fighting his conditioning. She avoided touching it as much as she could.

He shook his head. “No, don’t be sorry.” He looked up at her, finally. Like her touch had brought him back to the present. “I’m okay. It’s just— this is fucking hard. I— He’s gone. He’s really gone.”

Peggy’s eyes started filling with her own tears immediately. She had to fight this. She couldn’t start to cry now, she had to be strong for him. This was  _ his  _ moment to grieve, to cry for his friend. But one tear escaped her eye and she couldn’t stop it.

Bucky saw it and stared for a second before he wiped it with his metal thumb, chasing it from her face. Peggy’s breath itched at the touch and that simple and yet so meaningful gesture was enough to bring more tears, blurring her vision. She turned her head and wiped them away with the back of her hand, the fingers of her other hand digging into Bucky’s forearm.

“You don’t have to hold back with me. I know you loved him too,” Bucky said with a sad smile.

They never really spoke about their mutual feelings for Steve. They mentioned him, often, especially when Bucky was remembering something that involved him. But he refrained to share certain aspects, she knew. Because she was absolutely certain, and even more now, that they were not only best friends.

“Did you love him?” She finally gathered the courage to ask. It was time to talk about Steve, it was time for Bucky to unburden himself of this weight too. And she was the person who helped him with that. 

He nodded, he understood the hidden meaning of her question but still held back.

“Did you love him?” She repeated, her voice soft but not as steady as she wished.  

“Yes, we loved each other. I think. Never said it, but—” His eyes narrowed and he was lost in his mind, as he often did when the memories were still buried so deep that it seemed like he needed a physical effort to pull them back to the surface.

The corner of her lips curved up slightly. She liked that he trusted her. She couldn’t say why. But it warmed her up inside.

“Do you remember more?” She asked tentatively, encouraging him to continue if he wanted.

“I remember everything. Everything about him.” He let out a long breath. “I was sixteen when we first kissed. He tasted like the pickle sandwich he had for lunch.”

He was lost in the memory and Peggy’s smile flattened. It was real then. They were in love. And she came in the middle of it. 

Bucky sobered up when he glanced at her.

“Peggy, don’t feel bad. We weren’t— We stopped when he met you. After he found me in Italy. Italy? Yes Azzano,” he murmured to himself. “He was crazy about you,” he said with a genuine kindness.

“But how—” And she stopped herself. She had so many questions, she had such guilt. Of course she couldn’t have known. Especially not at that time, when men laying together was a crime. But she did nonetheless. Her affection for Steve took over.

Bucky shrugged a little. “Life is complicated. You don’t control how you feel. I think— I know you made him happy. Desired. You gave him hope about the future. A real future. In a way I never could. Because in the end we weren’t gonna— because he and I, we were doomed from the start.”

This was one of the saddest things Peggy had ever heard in her life. It broke her heart instantly. This man was too good. So good she couldn’t bear the thought of the monsters who had hurt him. She wanted to find every last one of them and tear them apart limb by limb.

“I feel like it’s all you do,” Bucky continued as he stared at her with a sort of admiration. “Give others a future. To Steve. To the people you protected with S.H.I.E.L.D. To me,” he added quietly. 

His eyes were full of gratitude. Recently he had started to look at her that way. She wasn’t sure she read it accurately, that she understood what it was. It looked like joy, like affection. She shuddered and let out a ragged huff of breath.

“It’s true. I would have never made it without you. It was all you,” he said, like he sensed her discomfort. 

“No it wasn’t,” she countered. “ _ You _ fought this.  _ You  _ made it happened.”

Bucky’s features softened and he gave her a soft smile. The distress she felt at his previous words and the utter relief of seeing him finally smile were a strange combination. 

“Do you realize how many people you saved by rescuing me? Not just myself. All those I would have had to kill,” he said with a hint of regret. “You gave me back my life, you gave me back hope. I wish you could see that. I wish you could find something that will make you believe in your future. That you’d stop to hide in your past.”

Bucky’s words were becoming almost too much to bear. She felt her throat closing. 

He was right. She knew he was right. He had been for quite a long time now. Often bringing up his concern for her, encouraging her to live her life and finding happiness.  

Although she wasn’t ready. And she was terrified. She didn’t know where to start. She didn’t know if she could find happiness ever again. It was a dreadful thought and dragging her down.

“It’s okay to be sad,” Bucky said. “About Steve. It’s okay to feel like you can never come back from it. If there’s someone who understands that, it’s me. But life is worth fighting for. Again, a little something  _ you _ taught me.”

She practically scoffed at the irony of his last phrase. He always had a way to point out the obvious in her behavior. It was annoying sometimes. But other times, like today, she needed to hear it. She needed the reassurance that she was going to be okay. That they both would be.

Bearing the weight of the terrible things that happened in their lives was crushing. Some days he made it easier. Some days Bucky made it bearable. 

“Are you becoming wiser than me?” She teased, kindly.

He chuckled then, his shoulders lifting up. They looked heavy, like moving was a burden. He was exhausted, she could see it.

“Have you slept at all?” She said, both to change the subject and because he did look suddenly very tired.

“Not really.”

It was a routine of theirs. She worried about him. She voiced her concerns. He answered honestly. That had been their pace for years now.

“Go on, then,” she jerked her chin to the bed behind him.

Bucky nodded before standing up and dragging himself on the bed, leaving that conversation aside for now.

Peggy started removing the items that were scattered over the sheets, so he could be more comfortable. She folded Bucky’s clothes on a chair nearby and put Steve’s belongings back in the box. She started clearing the table as well. She was going to stay here to make sure he was okay anyway so she must as well do something about the mess.

“Peggy,” he said and she turned to look at him. He was laying down on his side his head resting on the single pillow.

“Yes?” She asked, looking at him curiously; he was hesitating to say something.

“Would you mind coming and lying down with me?”

She opened her mouth slightly. No words came out but after a moment her feet took her to the bed on their own accords.

He scooted back to give her room, leaving the pillow for her. She lied down, facing him, a safe distance between then. 

“Thank you,” he said and then closed his eyes. 

Peggy put both her hands under her cheek. She watched him for a while, mesmerized by the movement of his breathing once she was sure he had fallen asleep. It was odd to feel so protective of him. It was almost visceral. She couldn’t stop herself. She wanted to reach for his face, touch his skin, feel its warmth under her fingertips. She wanted him to rest, to wake up and feel better again. She wanted to see him smile. And for the first time she realized this had nothing to do with Steve. 

For so long she told herself Steve was the reason why she did this. That she owned him to take care of Bucky. But after today. After hearing Bucky say those words, she realized it wasn’t just about Steve. It was about Bucky. He had lived too long and endured too much but was still somehow so good in his heart despite all the horrors that he had both experienced and inflicted. All the sacrifices she had made during this long journey were for the man lying asleep in front of her. And for herself. Because he was making her life feel complete. He made her believe she had a future. 

…

Peggy was woken up by something moving under her. She blinked as she rose from unconsciousness and felt something cool and solid against her cheek. She peered up and realized she was resting on Bucky’s metal arm, just under the sleeve of his t-shirt. She straightened up sharply and immediately felt a weight pinning her down. She had her arm slung across Bucky’s chest, his flesh arm above hers. His fingers were gripping at her elbow, preventing her from moving without waking him up.

She opened her mouth in surprise. They had fallen asleep and ended up tangled together, close in a way they never had before. She was taken aback with the shock of it when she heard Bucky emitting a small whine, low and sounding pained. He jerked slightly and she realized that was what woken her up in the first place.

His eyes were screwed shut tightly, his features stiff and contorted in a way she knew too well. He was having a nightmare. Nothing violent, as he often experienced but still looking painful enough that she knew she had to wake him up. 

“James,” she murmured, applying pressure with the hand resting on his chest and slightly shaking him. “James, wake up.”

He let out a louder moan and shook his head. She rose up on her free arm and felt his fingers tightened their hold on her elbow.

“No,” he whined. He let out a shaky breath and then stopped breathing all together, like the air on his lungs was cut short.

“James,” she called louder, a panic building inside her chest. “Come on.” She shook him again, harder this time. “Wake up, please.”

Bucky took a deep breath and woke up all the sudden, lifting up in a seated position. Peggy let out a relieved breath in return, her hand still resting on his chest.

“Breath in,” she sat close next to him and he did as she said taking a painful intake of air. “Just breathe, it’s over.”

He looked around himself, blinking rapidly, desperate to understand where he was until his eyes fell on Peggy.

“Where— where are we?” He asked, still breathless.

“We’re in New York. You’re safe. I’m here.” She soothed up and down her hand on his chest and to her surprise he wrapped his fingers around it.

“Oh  _ fuck _ ,” he whispered and closed his eyes for a moment.

He didn’t try to push her away, if anything his shoulders sagged forward slightly leaning closer to her side. Tentatively she reached for his face, removing a damp strand of hair from his forehead and gave him time to collect his thoughts and steady his breathing. 

“I’m here. You’re safe,” she repeated.

She kept murmuring soothing words, waiting for him to calm down before speaking again.   
  
“What was it about?” She asked, as she usually did. She learnt quickly that retelling his nightmares helped him in coping with the terrible things he dreamt about. Often it helped him with remembering fragments of his past and putting the pieces together.   
  
“They were waterboarding me,” he said as he closed his eyes.   
  
Peggy winced and squeezed his hand. She hated hearing how they tortured him. She had unfortunately grown accustomed to hearing it but it would never be easy. She couldn’t detached herself from feeling his distress. She guessed it was a sign that she remained human, now that she had taken the serum. It had been something looming at the back of her head, the possibility that instead of ending like Steve, she could changed into a monster like Schmidt. But her empathy was even more enhanced now so although it made her feel every fear, ever pain and it was agonizing at times, at least she was still good.   
  
“I think you were there,” he whispered and finally settled against the wall behind him. He let go of her hand and she let it hover a little above his chest before he took it back again, letting their entwined fingers rest on his thighs.    
  
“I was there?” She frowned.   
  
It was very rare that his present and his past mixed in his dreams.   
  
“Yeah I heard your voice, when I was drowning.” He let out a sharp breath. “You were in the room.”    
  
“Was I the one torturing you?” She tentatively asked, afraid to hear his answer.   
  
“No, God no.” He shook his head. “You were telling that I was going to be okay I think, something like that. I don’t really—” he stopped.   
  
He was calmer now much to her relief. Either she had woken him soon enough before it became too much or his nightmares weren’t as strong as they used to be. Or maybe it had to do with her presence in his dreams. She wouldn’t dare to hope so.   
  
Her eyes looked down at their joined hands resting on his lap when she felt his thumb starting to brush her skin in small circles. She tried to ignore how good it felt.   
  
“Are you alright?”   
  
“I am now,” he said quietly and watched her for a long minute. She held his gaze quietly until his eyes dropped on her lips.   
  
She leaned closer, instincts driving her movements. It wasn’t the first time she felt an attraction to him, to get closer, to touch. She had always put it on the account that they had spent so much time together, in the privacy of the different places they shared. They had shared so much. 

It was her instinct to protect him, to keep him safe.   
  
She always, always pushed the feeling away. It was not healthy. It wasn’t right, she tried to convince herself.   
  
In the quiet of his apartment now, after sharing these small touches, she realized how starved she had been for human contact, how soothing it felt to be close to another person again after so long.   
  
She could only imagine how much he felt that too, seeing the existence he had led.   
  
His eyes returned to hers and they were so open, so honest, she couldn’t stop herself and closed the gap between them.    
  
When her lips touched his the electricity that flowed through her veins was almost too much to handle. She let out a soft moan, low and deep. And then he returned the kiss, pressing his dry lips against hers.    
  
They barely moved for a long moment. The hold of his hand around hers tightening but neither of them dared to move. The time went still, the moment suspended in time. It was so surreal.   
  
Finally Bucky pressed harder on her lips and let his tongue slip out. She felt the tip of it on her closed lips and she opened them to let him invaded her with his warmth.  She couldn’t remember the last time she was kissed like that, genuinely wrapped in the bliss of someone’s care.  Her free hand went around his neck and she tilted her head to get a better angle. God, she was starving for this.   
  
They broke off, almost panting and looked at each other both seemingly as stunned about what happened. Her breathing didn’t want to quiet down, her heart was racing and she felt like her skin was on fire.   
  
He shifted a little to face her, without putting more distance between them and his metal fingers reached for the first button of her blouse.   
  
She looked down mesmerized as he undid it carefully.   
  
“That okay?” He asked, so quietly she almost missed the deeper inflection of his voice. It sent shivers down her spin.   
  
She nodded and continued watching as he progressed down her chest, undoing the buttons one after another.   
  
She bit her lip and then Bucky’s metal hand was under her blouse, just under her bra frame, sliding to her back.   
  
It jolted awake something in her, a desire that was buried so deep it almost made her head spin.   
  
“Oh God,” she moaned as he pulled her closer to him. She braced her hands on his shoulders and stride over his legs to straddle him.   
  
She stopped there for a second, making sure he was alright with it. The way he met her eyes, his pupils fully blown and giving her a dark hooded look told her he wanted this too.   
  
She dove in to capture his lips again and let him roam his hands on her back, under her blouse, in her hair, on her neck, it felt like he was everywhere. It was almost overwhelming, almost too much too take. She didn’t know if it was the effect of the serum or the fact that she hadn’t been touch that way for years but she felt everything a thousand time sharper and clearer. Every touch, every brush was enhanced and made her nerves vibrate.    
  
She hastily lifted up his shirt, exposing the lean muscles of his chest. The scars too. She had seen them before, a few times, never that close. It sent a spike of pain that she pushed away as she attacked his jaw and his neck with mouth-opened kisses, eliciting a groan from him.    
  
He retaliated with pushing off her opened blouse from her shoulders and unclasping her bra so quickly she rose up to watch him in surprise.   
  
There was a sly smirk on his face as he pushed down one strap after the other, slowly.   
  
When her breasts were bare and exposed he leaned down to leave a trail of kisses at the rim of her nipple, never actually touching it. She arched and wiggled. God she wanted him to kiss her there, she needed him to lick, nip and bite. Anything but this torture.

She felt him chuckle on her skin before he finally took one sensitive nub between his lips, pinching and pulling before releasing it, making a loud pop before he moved to the other nipple. He darted out his tongue and flicked it.   
  
“Fuck,” she let out and grabbed a fist full of his hair, pushing him further onto her breasts.   
  
As he continued, the burning sensation between her thigh became too hard to ignore and she started rolling her hips above him, searching for friction. She met him there, hard and hot even through the fabric of their pants. Too much fabric. She wanted, she needed to feel his skin.   
  
He couldn’t finish the groan that came from deep in his throat that Peggy was already working on the button of his jeans. She left his lap and sat on her heels on the bed next to him to skimmed down his pants along with his boxer briefs before lifting herself up on her knees and undoing her own jeans. Bucky’s eagerly chased her hands off the way and he pushed her back. She dropped on the bed in reverse and it barely took a second for her pants along with her underwear to fall on the floor where Bucky threw them away.   
  
He didn’t wait and immediately kissed her neck, her collarbone, capturing her nipples again.   
  
Peggy arched up her back, pushing into his touch. She reached between them to wrap her fingers around his cock. It felt so warm and impossibly hard in her palm.   
  
She guided him as he gave her a bruising kiss. He pushed inside her as soon as her fingers left his cock.    
  
The whimper she let out was far too loud, she knew it, she couldn’t care less. It took a few thrusts for her to adjust to his size but then, oh then, it wasn’t like anything she had ever known.   
  
Maybe she was so desperate for this, maybe it had been too long, maybe it was the serum but never, no never had she felt such a sensation in her core and in her entire body.   
  
She opened up her eyes and saw him, hovering above her. James Barnes. The man she saved. The man who saved her.   
  
His eyes were closed and his lips slightly parted, an intense concentration crossing his features. She cupped his cheeks with her hands and made him look at her.   
  
She wanted to connect, she didn’t just want the sex. She wanted more than that.

When his eyes landed on her face he slowed down, panting and blinking at her. He watched her carefully, thoroughly, like he was discovering her for the first time. His flesh hand removed some strands of hair from her face and he put his forehead on hers, closing his eyes and stopping his thrusts. Her hands went around his shoulders, clinging possessively, she never wanted to let him go.

“What are we—” he started saying with a shaking in his voice that for once she didn’t want to chase away.

“Not now,” she cut him as she clutched at him forcefully. “I need this. I want you,” she let out in a rush.

Bucky lifted his head to look at her again, his jaw clenching. He started rolling his hips, a little faster. Again, and again. Both gentle and firm. He kept his gaze on her although she could see he was on the verge of coming undone. 

She wanted friction, she needed to rub herself against him. The angle didn’t allow it in the way that she knew would send her over the edge.

She grabbed his shoulders and flipped them over with such strength that Bucky’s mouth fell open and he was about to voice his surprise when she situated herself straddling his hips and push down on his cock.

Her hips rocked to take him as deeply as she could and the delicious throaty groan that escaped Bucky was almost enough to make her come.

“Oh  _ fuck _ , Peggy.”

And it sounded nothing like when he said only a few minutes ago.

She rolled her hips, hard and sharp, her back arching so she could feel that friction on her clit she desperately needed. 

When he finally recovered from the surprise from the change of position, Bucky’s hands grabbed her ass and followed her movement so she could move faster, take him deeper and finally she felt the electricity of her orgasm flow through her.

She cried out and almost dropped her entire weight on his chest. She felt him continuing to thrust inside her and it was almost too much, too sensitive but then he came too and stopped moving. She lost herself in the bliss of her climax as Bucky’s hips spammed under her thighs.

She rolled off him. They stayed laying down next to each other for a moment, skin glistening with sweat, the air feeling stuffy and smelling of sex, before Bucky stood up from the bed and searched for his underwear on the floor. She dropped her arm on top of her eyes. Now that the adrenaline and the heat had cooled down inside her, a very unpleasant discomfort was taking over. 

Bucky went to the kitchen and she heard him pour himself a glass of water that he drowned down in one go. Then another one.

There was no other sound after the cling of the glass against the counter.

She freed her eyes from her arms and looked over. He had his back to her and was hunched over, apparently brushing his face with his right hand. The muscles of his back were so tensed, she winced.

What the hell have they done.

Peggy took a deep breath and sat down. She looked for something to clean herself and just decided to use Bucky’s t-shirt.

“You’re going to need to wash that,” she said as she threw the piece of clothing next to the bathroom’s door after wiping her thighs.  

This seemed to startle him. He turned around as she was gathering her clothes. He averted his gaze immediately and she couldn’t repress rolling her eyes a little at his prudish reaction. She understood though. There was a thick uneasiness flowing in the air.

Once she had put on her panties and bra, she sat on the bed to button up her blouse.

“You alright there?” She asked and he looked up tentatively, seeming relieved that she had covered herself.

“Yeah,” his voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat but didn’t add anything.

Peggy stood up to pull up her pants and took a quick look at herself in the mirror of the bathroom as she passed in front of its opened door. Her hair was a disaster and the shoulder pads of her blouse were completely askew. She groaned and tried to put everything back in place as much as she could.

“Listen,” Bucky started after looking like he was still gathering his thoughts. “I don’t think this was very wise.”

She was walking over and noticed him recoil a little as she approached. She kept a good distance between them.

“Yes, I agree,” she answered. It wasn’t wise. It really wasn’t. Maybe she had needed it, to break the sexual frustration and to just, God she didn’t even know what exactly. But that shouldn’t happen again. For his sake and for hers. They were still way too damaged and although his mental state was better, she couldn’t take the risk put him in jeopardy. And that was not taking into account that they were still grieving for the same man.

Bucky seemed relieved.

“James, I don’t regret it. It was,” she paused, searching for the right words, “well, very enjoyable.” She tried to put it in a nice way when all she was thinking was that it had been the best sex she had had in her life. “But it can’t happen again.”

He snorted.

“What?” She glared at him.

“Enjoyable,” he repeated. “I’ll take it as a compliment I guess.”

She put her hands on her hips. “It was,” she said, glaring even more to keep appearances but she was happy to see him smile a little.

That smile.

She tried not to stare too much. He was barely dressed and now that she had felt his skin under her palms and how good it was to feel him inside her, it was hard to push away that itch to touch the muscles of his chest, of his arm, traveling down to...  _ What the hell Margaret. _ She thought when her walls clenched between her thighs. 

She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to smile back at Bucky.

“Does this change something?” He wondered, serious again.

“No, of course not,” she answered. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he said barely above a whisper, dropping his head.

She walked the few steps that separated them and put her hand on his cheek. He didn’t flinched.

“You are not going to get rid of me that easily Barnes,” she told him. “I’m sticking with you.”

“Good. I was planning to stick with you too for a little while longer too, Carter.” The corners of his lips lifted up.

“Just a little while?” She asked almost coyly and removed her hand from his cheek to put them on her hips.

He chuckled. It was a good sound.

…

The car ride back to Howard’s mansion seemed much longer than it was. There was something in the distance that it put between Bucky and her that made knots in her stomach. She thought again about the moment she opened the door and found him on the floor with that desperate look on his face. It was killing her. At least the rest of the evening had been an efficient distraction. Then her brain unkindly brought back the images and sensation of Bucky bare skin and bruising kisses when all she wanted was to never think about it ever again. Brain, you traitor. 

She took the decision when she was in front of the mirror in the giant en-suite bath of her bedroom to find a place closer to Bucky. Maybe even something in his building if there were availability. The neighborhood was a dump but Bucky wanted to be there, he wanted to connect with his past. She had to respect that.

And she just couldn’t live at Howard’s place for much longer, she already extended his hospitality for far too long. 

Obviously nothing in her decision had to do with what happened earlier that day. Not even when she was in bed and let her fingers traveled down her body.

No, it would never happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Quick PSA/  
> These two idiots didn't use protection. Don't do this kids (and adults btw). Obviously they were not prepared and didn't have anything. Also this is a fictional story with two super-people who can't really get venereal diseases (and Peggy didn't get pregnant either, that was just luck). In real life make sure you use protection. Not just oral or vaginal birth control. Condoms people, use condoms when sleeping with a partner for the first time.  
> /end of the PSA


	3. November 1978

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's description of graphic violence, mentions of blood and self-harm in this chapter. Take care of yourself if those are triggering. If you choose not to read this chapter, it won't be a problem to follow the rest of the story.

The moon was already high in the sky when Peggy parked the car in the parking lot in front of the motel. She left Bucky in the passenger seat to go check in a room.

The adrenaline of the fight they just extracted themselves from a few hours ago was gone and he was left with a high-pitched ringing in his ears and tremors running through his body. He looked down at his hands on his lap in the poorly dimmed interior of the car, the only light source coming from the bright neon sign they were parked under. 

His metal hand was still and stiff while in sharp contrast his real fingers were shaking. Both limbs were covered blood. It was almost dry now, sticky and cracking. He took a large gulp as he noticed the stain-covered sleeves of his sweater. He lost track of time. It felt like he had been sitting in the car for hours, replaying the last hours in his head. 

HYDRA had located them. They were staying in a safe house in New Jersey when four operatives armed to the teeth broke the front door of the apartment open. Bucky heard them only a minute too late and they stormed in, weapons ready and already firing before he had time flip the couch he was sleeping on to take cover behind it. 

Peggy kicked the bedroom door open with two guns in hands and took down two agent point blank before she had to duck behind the kitchen counter. After that everything was a blur of metal against flesh, high pitched sounds of bullets flying by his ears, drywall bits and dust clouding the space.

Peggy was taking down another agent when Bucky pinned down the last one standing on the floor. He started hitting him. Punching his face with a rage and an anger that he had no idea he kept inside him. His brain went on automatic. 

_ Kill order. _

The voices of his handlers blended in his brain and took over and he kept punching, unaware of the mess of blood and flesh forming under his fists.

Someone grabbed his shoulder.

“Stop! He’s dead,” Peggy shouted but he was too late to realize it was her. He pivoted and his fist collided with her jaw, launching her across the room before he had time to stop himself.

Everything stilled around him. The handlers voices were gone, the silent of the room was pressing at his temple like a doomed void. She was laying on the ground on her side, against the wall where the impact of her body left a gaping hole. Under him the blood of the lifeless corpse of the HYDRA agent was spreading, gradually covering the floor where he straddled him, reaching his knees and staining his pants.

_ No. No, no no. _

Then her groan broke the silence and he left his stomach drop. It brought him back to the surface and he stood up to rush by her side.

“Peggy,” he murmured and couldn’t recognize the terror that filled his voice.

She let out another painful groan and sat back against the wall. Her eyes found his and she didn’t recoil. She blinked and worked her jaw, rubbing with her fingers where his fist collided with her bones. There was a loud crack, followed immediately by a pop and Peggy hissed.

“Fuck that hurts,” she blurted out.

Bucky was feeling an unfamiliar panic fill his chest, something that he hadn’t felt in so many months. Or years probably. His brain wouldn’t put the pieces of his woken moments together just yet. 

“I’m sorry.”

That came out as a shallow whisper. 

She looked around the room and her eyes landed on the remains of the man he just killed with his fists. 

“Don’t worry.” She started to stood up and he instinctively helped her by supporting her weigh under her arm. She didn’t bulged when his blood-covered hands touched her elbow. “We’ve got to run. They know our location, other agents are probably waiting outside. Let’s exit through the back window.”

He nodded, incapable of forming words. 

After grabbing their bags, they reached the parking lot of the building without being noticed and Bucky jump-started a random car. They couldn’t use the one they had borrowed from Howard in case HYDRA knew they had it.

Peggy climbed on the driver’s seat and drove away.

He had no idea how long it took them to get to the motel. He didn’t even know where they were exactly. His head was still spinning when she opened the passenger’s door and he jumped in surprised.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, looking at him with intent. “I booked a room. Come on, let’s head inside.”

…

The cold water of the bathroom faucet was a welcomed sensation on his bruised knuckles. He had removed the stained sweater and dropped it on the floor before cleaning up his forearms. The water turned bright red immediately before it became a lighter pink as he continued to get rid of the blood.

As he rubbed his flesh fingers with a damp towel, it noticed the fabric turning pink as well. The blood wouldn’t go off he thought. It was never going to get off. The vision of the dead HYDRA agent, his skull turned to mush by these fingers flashed in front of his eyes and he closed them, rubbing his knuckles and his nails even harder.

He needed to get rid of the blood. It felt like it was sticking to his skin, under his fingernails, everywhere. 

He hit her. God, he hit her so hard he sent her across the fucking room. He closed his eyes even more forcefully. There was something at the pit of his stomach that wanted to come to the surface but he pushed the sensation away. He couldn’t get sick, he didn’t have the right. He hit her. He didn’t deserve to block the pain. 

“James?” He heard her call behind the closed bathroom door.

Bucky kept vigorously rubbing his skin in silence. He couldn’t face her with blood on his hands.

The door cracked opened behind him.

“James, stop,” she said as she put her hand on his shoulder.

He ducked down to avoid her touch and dropped the damped hand towel in the sink. His lifted his fisted hand up and curled his shoulders forward to shield them from her view.

“You’re hurting yourself, stop,” she said again, kindly. Far too kindly. He didn’t deserve her kindness.

When he looked down at his flesh hand he realized it wasn’t the blood of the man staining it anymore. It was his. He rubbed too hard, too long. He started to shake again and Peggy took a few tentative steps inside the small room.

“No,” he immediately stopped her. She lifted her hands up like she was surrendering. What a joke, he was the one who should surrender. “Don’t come near me,” he told her with a shaky voice.

“James, I’m alright. It’s nothing,” she said in a soothing tone. “It wasn’t your fault.”

As soon as she said those words, he felt his legs give up under him and had to sat down on the tiled floor.

“It was. No one ordered me to kill him, no one–” he had no idea what he wanted to say. “And I hurt you and now I’m covered in blood.” He looked down at his hand, raw and painful, so damn painful he just came to realize. “I think I broke my hand,” he whispered.

She slowly crouched down in front of him, at a safe distance but within arm’s reach. He lifted his eyes to her level. The look she was giving him was filled with worry and empathy. But the left side of her face was covered with a darkening bruise, from the corner of her lips all the way to her jaw.

“Let me have a look.” She tried to reach out to him.

“No,” he almost shouted and took away his hand, folding in on himself like he wanted to disappear. 

She moved back and sighed, before dropping on the floor heavily to sit in front of him. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. 

“It’s okay. I can wait for you to be ready,” she said quietly and put both her hands on her bended knees.

They stayed silent for a long time. Bit by bit Bucky’s head started to empty itself from the memories of the previous hours. The noise in his brain and the buzzing in his ears quieted down, leaving him with nothing more than a heavy weight on his chest. He felt the blood pulsing under the raw skin of his fingers and somehow it was a welcomed anchor, reminding him that he was alive. That she was too.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a moment.

“I won’t feel a thing in a couple of days. It’s okay. I should have been more careful.”

He lifted his eyes to watch her between the dirty strands of hair framing his face. Every time his eyes leaned on the purple marks he made on her face, he felt a sharp pain on his metal fingers. He knew it was a ghost pain, he didn’t feel enough on the prosthetic limb for it to hurt that way.

“No you shouldn’t have to be careful. You shouldn’t even be here.”

She frowned and set her lips in a thin line before trying to reason him.

“I told you before, I’m not leaving you on your own.”

“Why?”

She was silent for a moment.

“I promise myself I would bring you back.”

“I’m– I’m back. You did it. It’s over. You can go now.”

_ Get back to your life. Go home. Stop trying to pick up the pieces of a broken man. I’ll never be whole again, there’s nothing on Earth that can bring me back as I was _ . 

For some reason the words never reached his lips. They stayed choked in his throat with a sour taste.

“If today has proved anything, it’s that they are not done with you. So I am not either.”

“I can protect myself,” he said and almost added  _ but I can’t protect you from me _ . 

“No you can’t,” she stated with an excruciating certainty.

It was his turn to frown.

“Have you seen what I’ve done to that men’s skull back there?” He said, his tone harder than he intended.

“Yes,” she answered as she held his gaze, “that’s exactly why I’m sticking with you.” She glanced down briefly at his flesh hand. “I’m not letting you hurt yourself.”

“Even if I hurt you in the process?” His voice sounded far too weak now.

“You’re not gonna hurt me again.”

She was so certain. He almost wanted to believe it, somewhere in his chest something warmed and fluttered. He wanted to grasp at it and never let go.

“You don’t know that.” He didn’t even know himself, how could she be so sure.

“I believe in you. That’s all you have to know.”

They fell into another silent moment that stretched out until she yawned. She hid it behind the back of her hand and winced visibly when she closed her mouth. He closed his eyes. He just couldn’t watch her suffer because of him.

“I can’t believe those bastards found us.”

“It was only a matter of time,” he wasn’t sure why he said it, but it sounded right. They were everywhere. They would find him again.

“They are not going to stop, aren’t they?” She asked him.

“No.”

“Then we have to stop them.”

He opened back his eyes and watched her curiously. “What?”

“We have to destroy HYDRA.”

It sounded so simple and yet completely reckless. He snorted out loud at how ridiculous that statement was.

“You’re crazier than I am if you believe that,” he told her.

She shrugged. She just shrugged. That woman was insane.

“We make the perfect pair then.”

And a tiny smile appeared on her lips. It was small and almost shy like she didn’t quite allowed herself to smirk fully. Considering the situation he couldn’t blame her. She knew that he could probably snap at any minute.

But again, that warm feeling at the center of his chest came back and he wanted to drown in her smile. It was almost infectious. For a short moment he forgot everything. The pain in his knuckles, the purple marks on her jaw, the stale smell of cheap detergent around them, none of that mattered. There was just her smile. How long had it been since he was on the receiving end of a real, genuine smile? A hundred years maybe. It was luminous.

The corner of his lips twitched for a fraction of a second, and then again. And the most beautiful thing happened, her smile grew bigger and brighter and it felt like looking at the stars on a summer night.

“You and me against the world Barnes, what do you think?”

“I sure hope HYDRA hasn’t taken the entire world or else we’re pretty screwed, Carter.”

The words came out of his mouth on their own accords, his voice resembling one that he hadn’t heard in so many years. He was just as surprised as she was. Only she started laughing and he just opened his mouth and blinked.

“We probably are yes,” she said in a lighter tone.

She sobered up quickly and he was left with the tiny smile and her soft gaze on him. That was enough, far more than enough. It almost made him want to get up and fight for his redemption.

“Can I look at your hand now?” She asked softly, leaning her head to the side.

He glanced down at the hand resting on his lap. He sighed and nodded without looking at her.

She came closer carefully and slipped both her hands under his. She lifted her eyes to look at him, to watched his reaction. There was something in her touch that was both calming and distressing. He wanted to pull away, he didn’t want to be touched. Every time he felt skin on skin his broken brain sent him a high pitched memory of someone beating him, or cutting him, or–  _ No _ . He had to stop. Stop thinking about it, stop allowing those moments to overpower him.

He closed his eyes and let her examine him. She bent his fingers, moving them back and curling them delicately.

“How does that feel?” She almost whispered like she didn’t want to break his concentration.

“Okay,” he was just able to say, his breathing a little labored.

“Can you move it on your own?”

He tried to and it hurt but it was bearable. 

She let go of his hand just a softly as she picked it up, putting it back on his lap and she sat back on her previous spot at a safe distance.

“You did good,” she said and when he opened his eyes, there was a soft smile on her face. “Your hand is not broken. It’ll be healed by tomorrow.”

He nodded. He wanted to tell her that it didn’t matter, that he could block the pain anyway. Pain shouldn’t be an issue. Pain couldn’t stop him to finish the mission. No matter how many bones had cracked, he had to go on.

But he didn’t have a mission anymore. He could feel the pain. And somehow it made him feel alive, no a shell of his own self.

Maybe one day he could say this out loud. To unburden himself.

Not today.

“SHIELD has intel on active HYDRA cells. I asked Howard to give me all the information they had collect so far,” she told him.

His head shoot up.

“Can I look at it?”

“I was hoping you would offer to do so, yes.” She nodded seeming satisfied. “We will have to leave the country. It’s too dangerous now that they know you are here. Heading to Europe makes the most sense if we went to have the upper hand on their operations.”

Bucky put his metal hand on his knee and lifted himself up. “Alright. Let’s have a look at these files.”

“Sleep first,” she said knowingly. “I’m exhausted and you are too.”

He was. It didn’t prevent him to spend the night going through the files on HYDRA Peggy had luckily thought to bring with them after they fled the safe house. 

In between his reading, he occasionally glanced up at her while she slept fully clothes on top of the covers. When the first morning lights peaked through the closed curtains, the purple bruise on her face had already taken a brown hue.

He fisted his flesh hand and squeezed, hard. The raw skin on his knuckles sent a sharp pain to his brain. He allowed himself to feel it. To feel alive.


	4. April 1986

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aka the one where Bucky realizes he might have a bit of a foot fetish. Oops.
> 
> This is pure domestic fluff and I know it's not usually my style but here, have it for all the terrible angsty things I've wrote! Hope you'll like it <3

Bucky immediately recognized Peggy’s footsteps as she exited the elevator leading to his floor. He was on the sofa in his living room, hunched over his knees, absorbed with the news on tv. The clock on the VCR displayed 8:32 pm. He had lost track of time since returning from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters a few hours ago and she was getting out of the office later than usual.

The monotonous tone of the CNN anchor indicated that he was getting bored of retelling the same piece of news again and again since this whole catastrophe happened. The program was showing images of the Chernobyl disaster, the destroyed exteriors of the plant more specifically. The level of outside destruction was a good indicator of what the interior must look like.

Peggy didn’t bother knocking on the door and walked inside Bucky’s apartment after using her own set of keys.

“Have you been watching this all day?” She asked as she stood next to the sofa, while removing her coat and leaving her handbag on the floor.

Bucky glanced at her as she stripped from the outerwear. She was wearing a tight cobalt knee-length dress with mid-arm sleeves and large shoulder pads. It emphasized her narrow waist and curvy hips. He really didn’t want to keep his eyes on her because he knew he would be staring so he quickly let his eyes return to the television screen.

He wasn’t much of a fan of the 1980s style. The tailoring and cuts looked weird to him. And everything was too bright. But Peggy always managed to find clothes that had an old-fashioned touch and that looked like they were practically sew on her. The stockings that she still wore beside becoming out of style a long time ago and the high heels weren’t helping his need to devour her with his eyes inch by inch.

“I just got home a couple of hours ago. I was at headquarters for the briefing,” he answered, keeping his eyes on the screen.

“The Tunisian op?” She asked and sat down on the other side of the sofa.

“Yeah. We’re shipping tomorrow.”

He had been back on the field for three years now. It wasn’t easy at first but soon it became more natural and he learnt to use the skills HYDRA gave him to save people instead of wrecking chaos around him. It was a good feeling.

On the other end of the couch he felt her watching him and when he took a glance at her she was squinting at him.

“You’re up for that?” She said with concern. Bucky knew where this was leading. He also knew how to put her reservation at ease.

“Yes. I’ll be fine, Peg. You know being out there, keeping busy and helping out is doing me more good than bad,” he explained calmly.

“It’s a conflict zone,” she said nonetheless, her lips forming a thin line.

“I know. I’m prepared.”

She let out a long sigh through her nose and turned to watch the television. But she wasn’t really looking, she was lost in her thoughts and her concern for his mental and physical health.

She hadn’t prevented him to enroll in SHIELD, which had been Howard’s idea. And she never resented him when he didn’t listen to her advice to reconsider after he came back from his first mission on edge and suffered terrible nightmares she helped him get through for three nights in a row. She respected his decisions and his will to power through this. He knew she had faith on his abilities to recover from his trauma. She stated multiple times that he was stronger than she ever was –which he didn’t believe at all– but she always voiced her concerns when an op seemed potentially difficult for him to handle emotionally. Bucky wondered if she would keep worrying for him so intensely even a decade from now.

He extended his metal arm and lightly put his hand on her knee. She looked down at it but didn’t meet his eyes.

“Beside, we’re taking a few rookies and one of them is so eager to go in the field and work beside Captain America’s best friend. I feel like I would let him done if I didn’t go.”

She snorted. “That is a terrible excuse. By far the worst you ever said to make me feel better.”

Bucky smirked and he could see her features relax and turned into a smile of her own.

“Made you smile though, that’s a pretty enough sight that I consider my work done,” he said and winked. It wasn’t exactly flirting. At least he tried not to. But sometimes his nature slipped and she didn’t seem to care much.

His hand was still on her knee and by now he was aware it had been there for too long for it just to be a friendly touch. It didn’t look like she minded but she was always more comfortable with physical contact than he ever was. He took his hand away and silently return to the broadcast.  

The CNN anchor was speaking about so-called “liquidators”, people who were sent to clear the Chernobyl plant from the inside. He heard Peggy groaned next to him. She was frowning deeply.

“Idiots, the level of radiation is alarmy high, they are sending those people to their deaths,” she commented. She must have monitored the situation to be aware of the radiation level inside the plant.

“Did we send a team?” Bucky asked.

“Not officially. But I got some of our best scientists there to get samples and hopefully knock down some sense into the head of the people in charge. It’s still difficult to work with the Soviet Union.”

Bucky was well aware of that fact. For a long time now they have been going after HYDRA cells and former members of the KGB that were involved in the Winter Soldier program in particular, but since Peggy and Bucky joined S.H.I.E.L.D. they almost always had to cover those missions. The Soviet Union wasn’t cooperating at all. Bucky even decided to go against Peggy’s orders and hunt them down on his own a couple of times. It wasn’t ideal but it had to be done.

Ah, the good old times were so much easier when it was just the two of them and they could eradicate those assholes anyway they wanted.

“Those type of catastrophes aren’t exactly our territory,” Bucky said, returning his thoughts to the current events.

She sighed. “I know. We just can’t sit here on our arses while people are suffering, not matter who’s responsible.”

Bucky made a crooked smile.

“Remind me of someone when you say stuff like that,” he said.

She blinked a couple of time. She didn’t need to get his confirmation, she knew he was speaking about Steve. And she couldn’t really contradict him, this definitely sounded like something Steve would say.

She watched him curiously and he knew the dopey smile that was probably plastered on his face eased up the stiffness she always displayed when mentioning Steve out of the blue.

They made their peace with his death, he believe. At least he did to some extent. Some days remembering him was harder than others. She felt that way too. Maybe today wasn’t a good day for her.

But she ended up rolling her eyes for good measure.

“Oh please I’m not nearly as dramatic as he was,” she claimed, while removing her stilettos and dropping them on the floor.

She let out a relieved moan. Folding her legs, she took the ball of one of her foot in her hand and started massaging it.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Bucky told absentmindedly as his eyes drifted there, mesmerized by the finger movements on her delicate foot.

She started speaking again, distracting him.

“Can you change the channel? I’ve been reading reports and watching surveillance from this all day, I just can’t deal with more horrors.”

“Comes with the job,” he said casually and switched channels with the remote.

“You know what else I hate about this job?” She asked suddenly. He glanced at her with curiosity, her tone was lighter than a few seconds ago. “Wearing those stupid heels. They are killing my feet.”

Bucky couldn’t stop his eyes to follow down the curve of her calf and stare again.

“Why do you keep wearing them then? No one's forcing you,” he said incredulously.

“Beside misogynistic conventions in the workplace?” She lifted her eyebrow at him in the way that meant _I dare you to find a counter argument when I know I’m perfectly right_.

Bucky wasn’t impressed by that look anymore. He learnt how to tease back, how to annoy her even more if it was about a light enough topic of conversation. There was something helplessly adorable to when she got all worked up because she was certain to be right and he wouldn’t have it.

But he wasn’t about to contradict her on that. She _was_ absolutely right. He had learn that by being by her side for so many years now. Establishing her authority and getting the recognition she deserved were as much a full time job as her actually work to lead SHIELD.

“And since when have you cared about that?” He crocked an eyebrow.

“I don’t.”

“Then why?”

She just shrugged in response. A hint of a smirk was forming on her lips.

“Just because you like to complain that it?” Bucky started to feel a lightness in his chest that only Peggy’s presence could incite when they were sharing a playful moment like this one.

She rolled her eyes at his question.

“Alright,” she caved and confessed. “I kind of like how terrified the staff look when they hear the heels clicking before I walk in a room. The looks on some faces are simply priceless.”

Bucky started laughing at her statement.

“And when to think I was the scary ex assassin everyone was terrified of. You outshine me. That’s it, my glory days of murderous scowling are gone,” he told her, falsely defeated.

“I’m not murdering anyone for the record.”

“No. But terrifying them won’t make them respect you.” And this time he was right and she knew it.

She glowered in return. Yes, she definitely knew.

“You still use you assassin’s glare to scare the rookies.”

“That’s…,” he hesitated. “Well, yes, that’s true. But it’s different. They are fighters, they need to learn not to be scared of their own shadow,” he explained but she just shook her head a little, lifting her eyes up. “And there’re so many rumors. I like to entertain them.”

Then she made an adorable pout that meant she couldn’t really say she was opposed to it. Of course she had to be far more discreet about her personal life and history, considering her position. But it was still fun to entertain a bit of mystery when new recruits were starting to work for them. And nowadays S.H.I.E.L.D. was expending considerably so Bucky had plenty of occasions to get his fun. They were even talking about creating a S.H.I.E.L.D. academy instead of recruiting in the military and private security organizations. It was far from done but it was one of Peggy’s project and just as with everything she did, she was going to bring it to fruition.

“Then don’t mock me,” she finally answer.

“Then don’t complain,” he teased back.

She looked at him in the eyes and smile lightly. He could stare at those amazing brown eyes for hours if he didn’t reason with himself.

He glanced down at her feet, she was still massaging them and he could see through the thin layer of her stockings that her toes were red and raw.

Instinctively he scooted closer to her and reached for her ankle.

“Come on,” he encouraged her to put her feet on his lap.

“Oh James, that would be splendid,” she lightened up when she realized what he was offering. Just to see that look on her face, he could do this every evening.

“No problem, Peg,” he answered as he started pressing his flesh thumb on the ball of her foot, while his metal hand was wrapped around her ankle delicately.

Peggy dropped her head back on the armrest and let out a throaty groan that Bucky hadn’t expected.

“Oh dear Lord. This is heavenly,” she said with a hoarse voice that sent heat right in Bucky’s belly. “Why have you hidden this skill from me all that time?”

“I have a lot more skills that you don’t know about.”

Including the fact that touching her made his skin buzz and his heart flutter in a way he never wanted it to stop.

She rose her head back up and watched him curiously. His answer had been fast and he didn’t really want to think about how flirtatious and deep his own voice had sounded.

He didn’t elaborate and kept massaging her. When he pressed his thumb all the way from her heel to between her toes in a deep pressure, her eyes practically rolled behind her head and she exposed her neck again for him. It took everything in his power not to crawl on top of her and attack her pale skin with his mouth.

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t. Not when he had no idea if she would welcome it. They never really spoke again about their moment of weakness a few years ago. At first he was glad, because he felt a terrible shame that night after he realized he had betrayed Steve’s memory by sleeping with his girl. Then it became blatantly obvious that his attraction and feelings for her were messed up by their closeness and her care for his well-being. For a long time differentiating being dependent or actually attracted to her was complicated.

It was hard to know what she thought too. She seemed content that they never mentioned it again. She never hinted that she would want to repeat the experience anyway.

And honestly it didn’t matter. He would be happy to just be by her side his entire life just as they were. He owed her his life and his sanity and Peggy's quiet strength had became so much more than a reassuring anchor into the present. She was everything to him. And he wouldn’t ask for more. Her presence in his life at all was more than he deserved for all the horrors he had done.

Peggy would counter argue here. She would say the crimes he committed never were his doing. She would say he had the kindest heart she ever encountered. She made him believe that. She made him want for a future he thought he would never have, things he was certain would join his list of those not meant to be.

She shifted at some point, to curl a little on herself and rest her head against the couch more comfortably. Bucky switched foot and she let out a content sigh when he worked on that one.

A long moment passed, he lost track of time. His flesh hand was heavily resting on her calf, his thumb rubbing circle on the incredibly soft silk of her stockings, while his metal fingers were wrapped around her foot, motionless. She had fallen asleep. He knew he should woke her up, she would be starving when she did. And hell, he was famished too. But he couldn’t bring himself to disturb her when she looked so peaceful.

He stayed there, watching her in between changing channels dully, allowing her some rest until she woke up and asked groggily what time it was.

“Late,” he answered softly.

And their evening continued as it often did. They ordered food, bickering over what to eat until they settled on the chinese restaurant around the corner which provided them dinner at least twice a week.

They ate, watched a late evening movie, Bucky falling asleep halfway through it.

He woke up in the early hours of the morning on his couch, a blanket tucked around him and no sign of Peggy in his apartment.

It was fine though, because she would come fetch him in a little while with coffee and fresh bagels in a paper bag for them to eat on the way to headquarters and start a brand new day that was meant to be, after all.


	5. June 1987

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aka the sex marathon.

Peggy left the crowded living room of Stark’s penthouse. They have been celebrating Tony’s graduation from MIT and the large living room was filled with close acquaintances of the family and some of Tony’s teachers and college friends. It was a pleasant evening but as the space became more crowded Peggy noticed one person was missing when she scanned the room after ending her conversation with guests from Maria Stark’s side of the family.

She found him on the terrace, looking at the beautiful view of Central Park. Bucky was turning his back to the windows and didn’t move as she approached him.

“What are you doing outside?” She asked as she leaned on the railing next to him.

“Just getting some fresh air.” There was no edge in his voice, he seemed relaxed and glanced down at her with an easy smile.

Things had been going well in the past few years. Really well. Their work at S.H.I.E.L.D. kept them occupied. They lived in the same building, have had for almost a year now and spent all of their free time together. It was still hard to make connections outside of the bubble they created for themselves. They were… somehow happy she realized. Sharing an everyday life with Bucky was simple and natural. They built back their life together, sharing their views about work, about what S.H.I.E.L.D. was bringing to the world. But mainly they shared a life experience that probably no one could understand. 

Bucky seemed comfortable in his new role now. He was leading the recruiting of new agents, as well as a tactical team that brought him to field missions quite often. Peggy was still worried about this aspect of the job. Still wary to send him out to fight the evils of the world. But he needed it. He needed to atone for his past and she knew it was his way to repay his debts to the world, to find a purpose. She mostly kept her concerns for herself now. Although she still worried for him. She always would. She cared for him far too much not to.

She had come to terms with her feelings for the man she brought back from the darkness. She loved him. She had for a very long time. And she suspected he did too. It was still odd to admit it to herself and she hadn’t gathered the courage to share this with him yet. She would. Eventually.

Tonight though, tonight was a moment of celebration. A moment to relax and enjoy what the real world had to offer. A certain normalcy. Friends. The Jarvises, the Starks. Tony. Sweet Tony who was growing up and becoming more brilliant and resilient every day. Bitter too. It made her heart ached. It was difficult to witness the way his father was sabotaging this sweet boy and their relationship. She wasn’t sure what she could do.

Bucky told her not to intervene. He said the boy had wariness when it came to her own relationship with Howard. And he was right. Sometimes Tony had hard words about their work, about Peggy. It wasn’t exactly fair but he was hurting and she couldn’t change his mind anyway. She might have to wait, to let him get rid of his resentment. Someday he would understand, she hoped so.

On that matter Bucky was wiser than her. Maybe it was because he understood father and son relationships better. Maybe it was because he had such goodness in his heart that his empathy allowed him to connect with Tony in a way she didn’t. 

She looked up at him. His eyes were watching the city at their feet, the lights dancing in the pool of dark blue.

“Maria’s aunt was asking me where my husband was,” she said as she turned slightly towards him.

“You got a husband I don’t know of?” He teased arching his eyebrow.

“She was talking about you, silly.”

“ _Silly_? Being around fancy people brings out the lady in you.” He mocked her lightly.

She couldn’t stop from rolling her eyes fondly. “Dumbass, then.”

Bucky laughed under his breath and it made her heart flutter.

“She said that you are a very handsome young man,” she added.

“Did she?” He hummed and turned around to lean both elbows back on the railing. “What she look like?” He asked suggestively.

“She’s sixty years old James,” she answered, emphasizing on the number.

“Darn, too young for me then,” he joked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

“She is right though,” she said as she crooked her head to take a good look at him. “You do look very handsome tonight.”

His eyes softened but the playful tone in his voice remained.

“Do I?”

She nodded with a smile of her own. It was easy. Simple. Natural. Just like every time they were pretending to flirt. Most of the time she wasn’t pretending and wondered how much of his quip was real too.

“I feel like a penguin in this suit,” he said while pulling at the collar of his blue dress shirt with two fingers. “It’s the first time I’m wearing a tie since my service uniform, what feels like a hundred years ago. It’s fucking tight.”

Her eyes caught the movement of his fingers on the stretched fabric around his neck. She faced him and reached for the tie, loosening it easily. He let his hand fall at his side giving her the space to work on the knot and suddenly he had a serious look on his face as he watched her undoing the two first buttons of his shirt.

He was even more beautiful with the neglected collar and undone tie. It looked more like him in a way. Far more than in the strict formal style of the suit. She wanted to untie his hair gathered in a ponytail, to comb her fingers through his soft hair, ruffled them a little. She liked to see them as they were in the morning when he just woke up. Untamed, free. It suited him better. It was also a sight she liked to imagine seeing while opening her eyes in his bed, witnessing him wake up, the first light of the day on his beautiful face. It was part of the myriads of fantasies she had about him.

His eyes were dancing on her face. She hadn’t realized how close to him she was standing, just a few inches separated their bodies.

He took a deep breath, his eyes intensely focused on her face.

“God, you look gorgeous,” he told her.

“Do I?” She said, mimicking his teasing tone from a minute ago.

“You always look gorgeous Peg,” he continued as he put his hands on her waist without hesitation. “But that dress…”

As soon as his fingers touched her and dug in her flesh thought the silky fabric she felt a heat surge thought her entire body. The way he watched her was enough to add to the fire.

“Are you flirting with me Agent Barnes?” Her voice was deeper than she had expected.

“Maybe I am,” he said with a matching tone.

“About bloody time you admitted it,” she chuckled but was cut short when Bucky leaned in and kissed her.

She stilled for a second, the surprise cutting the air supply in her lungs. But as soon as she felt his warm lips press further on hers she melted in his arms and slide her hands around his neck.

The kiss was languorous, unrushed. Simple and natural. It was everything she could have hoped for and more. Because it was finally happening after so many years, after she tasted his lips for the first time while they were still mourning for the man they both had loved.

Today however, today was completely different. They weren’t as burdened with pain and sorrow. They healed, together. They grew and learnt to live again. They were ready for one another.

“Long time coming,” he murmured against her lips when they pulled apart.

Peggy took a long deep breath. Her first breath in decades, it felt like.

“Too long,” she whispered and she was the one to initiate the kiss this time.

It quickly grew deeper, more heated. Bucky turned them around and pressed her against the railing to kiss her with his entire body. 

For a long moment it felt like the world had stopped around them, like they were both alone, the city below was empty and silent. She lost herself into Bucky and never wanted it to stop. She wanted to hold onto him forever. 

They were both panting when they ended the kiss. Bucky rested his forehead on hers for a short minute and pulled away to look at her.

“Yeah,” he nodded with a hint of a smile, “I’ve been wanting to kiss those lips again for a very long time.”

“I wish you had done it sooner.”

“Really?” He asked and this time his expression seemed to fill with hope, almost like he was doubting this was the only outcome for them.

“Yes,” she reassured him with a bright smile.

“This— this feels—” he hesitated, trying to find the right words, but she cut him.

“Right. It feels right.”

“Yeah, it does,” he said with a breathy voice.

The door behind them opened and they barely moved. Bucky took a step back to turn half around so he could see who was stepping out. Peggy’s hands just slid to rest on his chest while Bucky’s were still on her waist.

Edwin Jarvis stopped in his tracks when he realized what he just interrupted. One corner of his lips lifted up.

“I’m truly sorry to interrupt,” he said before insisting with a knowing smile. “ _Truly_. But we are about to start the toast.”

…

“I can’t believe Howard isn’t there,” Peggy said. “Look at that poor boy.”

Bucky and Peggy were standing in the small crowd in the living room while Maria Stark was saying a few words and encouraging Tony to speak. The young man didn’t say much, he thanked everyone for their presence and said a funny thing or two to make the audience laugh. He was already very good at public speaking. 

“He doesn’t seem to mind,” Bucky commented.

“He does,” Peggy just stated, a bit sternly.

She noticed Bucky’s silence and when she looked up at him he was observing Tony with intent, passing his flesh hand on his mouth and chin. 

“I saw him sneak in a bottle of champagne earlier. Took it to the study with that tall brunette in the purple dress,” he said, pensively.

“Mhm,” Peggy hummed in a reproachful way. 

“What?”

“He’s trying to forget his father isn’t there.”

She saw Bucky’s jaw clench. 

“Wait for me here?” He asked her. “I want to talk with Tony before we get out of here.”

“Are we leaving?” She asked, slightly taken aback. 

“Yes, we are,” he told her with a heated look and kissed her on the cheek, his gloved hand lingering on her waist.

Peggy inhaled deeply as he walked away. The party wasn’t exactly over but everyone was already engrossed in their conversations, some guests already tipsy and others on their way home. It was an acceptable time to leave. Not that Bucky cared about any of this of course. And if Peggy was honest with herself she didn’t either. Right now all she wanted was to pick up where they left of when Jarvis interrupted them.

Speaking of the man, he was coming towards her. Jarvis hadn’t been working for the Starks for a few years now, enjoying his retirement with his wife. Bucky and Peggy socialized with them a couple of times a year. They were mostly leaving back in England full time now, but visiting often enough. 

“Mrs Jarvis is absolutely delighted”, he said without preamble.

“We’re all very proud of Tony,” Peggy commented, having a pretty good idea of what he was referring to but not wanting to indulge him. 

“I wasn’t talking about Tony, Miss Carter,” he answered, conspiratorially leaning in. 

She rolled her eyes. Of course he wasn’t.

“You really can’t keep a secret, can you Mister Jarvis?”

“I didn’t know it was a secret,” he said as he bumped his shoulder with hers with a knowing smile.

“It’s a new development. Very new,” she insisted.

“I don’t believe it is actually,” the older man answered her in a sudden but fond sincerity. 

She looked at him and then glanced at Bucky across the living room where he was talking with Tony, clasping his shoulder. 

“Maybe so,” she admitted quietly.

Bucky walked back to the pair of them with a brooding Tony in toe. Peggy tried her best to give him a greeting smile, without looking overly joyous. After all she was not known to be all smiley and even if she wanted the kid to feel at ease with her, she didn’t want it to look faked. Because it really wasn’t.

“Bye Aunt Peggy, thank you for coming,” Tony said, looking down at his feet in a nonchalant way. 

“Of course darling. We’re very proud of you,” she insisted.

“Well yeah, obviously,” the young man answered briefly looking up at her and giving her his most unimpressed look. Still she was sure there was a twitch in his eyes, like he was surprising himself with being touched by what she just said.

“Don’t be smug,” she told him, “we all knew you’d do brilliantly but it’s still a great accomplishment that deserves celebrating.”

“Tell that to Howard you’ll probably see him before I do,” Tony dryly answered with a bitter chuckle.

Bucky put his hand on the small of Peggy’s back in this moment, just like many times he subtlety wanted to remind her not to push it too much with the subject.

“I’m sure he would have been there if he could,” she just commented, trying to believe in her statement, although she knew the reason he wasn’t there and it wasn’t a good enough one to miss his only son’s early graduation from the prestigious MIT.

Tony scoffed and the sound almost made Peggy visibly wince. She stopped herself just in time.

 

“Doubt it,” Tony muttered and turned away to leave them.

Peggy let out a loud sigh and she felt the press of Bucky’s hand on her back. The atmosphere was stiff now and Peggy just wanted to get away from here. She lifted her head to look at Bucky.

“Shall we go?” 

He nodded quietly with the smallest of smirks. Anyone would have missed it, anyone who didn’t know him as well as she did. She noticed and it made her heart flutter again. It was something she wished she could feel all the time.

“Do you want me to drive you back to Brooklyn?” Jarvis offered, still frowning as well from their conversation with Tony.

“No need Edwin, we came with our car,” Bucky answered with a kind smile. 

“Enjoy the party and say goodbye to Ana for us, will you?” Peggy said.

“I will,” Jarvis nodded at them both. “ _Delighted_ ,” he said again with a bright smile.

Peggy shook her head and Bucky said his goodbyes before leading them to the front door, his warm hand still on Peggy’s back as they walked out of the penthouse.

…

The car ride was quiet. Almost silent. Peggy was a little lost in her thoughts. She looked up at Bucky’s face while he was concentrating on the road. The bright colors of city lights danced on his beautiful face. He was relaxed, glancing a few times at her with that small smirk again. He looked peaceful, like he had in the last few years but in a way she never quite witnessed him ever since she found out he was still alive. Her heart felt full. 

She put her hand on his thigh, not shying away from touching him in such an intimate and affectionate way anymore. They didn’t need to talk about any of this. They didn’t have to because they both knew it was the natural progression of their relationship. 

Bucky intertwined his fingers with hers, keeping his metal hand on the wheel before looking at her and quickly leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

She couldn’t repress a deep blush and smiled, bemused by her own feelings. 

…

They stepped in the elevator, like they did a thousand times before. The building was fairly old but it was in mint condition. They lived in separate apartments on different floors. It was definitely an upgrade from their former places. Brooklyn still wasn’t the most welcoming area of the city but Bucky wouldn’t move elsewhere. And wherever Bucky went, Peggy followed. She had stopped fighting this a long time ago. Luckily they could defend themselves and well, strolling around with Bucky and his death stare could intimidate even the hardest criminal. 

The constant threat of muggings, the drug abuse and accompanying dirt and violence, the risk of fires in old decaying buildings, it was unfortunately the cityscape of most of Brooklyn. Bucky both hated it and oddly felt more at home than he ever had. 

Peggy’s old apartment had been ransacked one day while they were at work and they couldn’t know if that was the job of their enemies or a simple house robbery. She doubted was the former. Nothing was stolen. She kept all her sensitive work material at the office and they didn’t have heavy weaponry at home, luckily. Bucky did have impressive sets of knives hidden pretty much everywhere in his apartment but they hadn’t searched his. They must have been after intel that only Peggy could have.

Moving into a building with better security features was inevitable. And Bucky was very insistent that it should happen sooner rather than later. They set up a real estate shell company with aliases to purchase their new apartments. 

When Bucky showed her the listings for the two proprieties she almost told him he should look for a single place. Big enough for them both obviously, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, but honestly she spent more time than she probably should in Bucky’s apartment. 

She didn’t say anything in the end. It was still a thin line that she wasn’t sure he was ready to cross. She still wanted to preserve him. And if she was honest with herself, she had terrible doubts to whether or not he reciprocated her feelings. He simply couldn’t put their relationship in jeopardy if it wasn’t the case.

It all seemed so silly now that she watched him press the button to the 6th floor, her floor, and not the 7th where he lived.

“You’re not heading to your place tonight?” She asked coyly, not looking at him.

“I am not, no.” His tone was certain but she could hear the smile in it.

“Oh, you are sure about that?” She asked, lifting her head to look at him. The heat in his eyes made her insides crumble.

“Yep,” he simply stated with a rougher edge in his voice.

“You are not even gonna ask? That’s a little cocky, even for you.”

“Yep,” he repeated. His gaze traveled down to her cleavage which was heaving up and down, she realized, with her labored breathing. Had someone turned on a heater in this bloody elevator, she just had time to ask herself before Bucky pushed her to the wall of the elevator and kissed her breathless. 

…

They actually never made it to the bed. Deep down Peggy was a bit disappointed. She had imaged that when they would finally do this again, it would have been perfect. Perfect just as him. It would have lasted hours, she would have worshiped his body just as he would have hers. They would have taken their time, because they had it now. They had all the time in the world.

None of that happened. And it was perfect all the same.

They were out of their clothes even before reaching the bedroom. Bucky dove between her thighs as soon as her panties were out of the way. They were still in the corridor and she screamed his name when she came, clenching so hard at his hair that he let out a loud groan of delicious pain.

They had barely entered the bedroom when Bucky pinned her against the wall and hooked one of her legs around his waist to thrust inside her. He felt so damn amazing, she wouldn’t have stopped him to go more slowly for anything in the world.

They barely allowed themselves to recover from coming undone before they started to tumble toward the bed and somehow ended up on the fluffy carpet at the foot of it. Peggy was straddling Bucky’s hips, just like the first time they had sex, only this time there was no urgency, no desperate need to reach her peak. So she slowed down, rolling her hips smoothly, taking him as deeply as she could and making it last.

It was slow and calm and like something she never experienced before. It was like coming home.

Bucky’s prosthetic hand was squeezing her thigh and his right one slid from her lower back to her nape so he could bend her over his chest and kiss her deeply. Their body fitted perfectly together like two pieces of a puzzle that had been lost for too long.

They stayed like that, kissing and rocking in a slow rhythm until they both came again, on the floor, at the foot of Peggy’s bed.

…

It took them a moment to come back down from the high of their orgasms this time. Peggy had rolled down on her back, lying next to Bucky. They were both breathing heavily and their shoulders were the only part of their body touching.

Peggy looked around and seemed to finally registered they had arrived in the bedroom.

“Well, that was not how I planned my evening,” she said falsely annoyed. 

Bucky chucked, making his shoulder shake hers. “What were your initial plans?” He asked turning his head to look at her.

She mimicked him and their eyes locked together. She couldn’t stop a dopey grin to appear on her face.

“A glass of wine, a bath and falling asleep naked and wrapped in my fluffy bathrobe.”

Bucky let out a throaty groan. “And you didn’t think on including me in that plan? That’s rude,” he joked but she could see he was affected by the image she just put in his head. And she loved to be able to do this openly. “We can still make it happen,” he suddenly said and stood up from the floor.

Peggy lifted herself on her elbows. “What?” 

“Go get the wine, I’ll take care of running the bath.”

Bucky trotted to the bathroom, gloriously naked and giving her an amazing view of his firm ass. That alone was a tremendous improvement on the way she initially wanted to spend her evening. 

…

Peggy sighed contently. Her back was resting against Bucky’s broad chest and it was far more comfortable that she would have thought considering how built Bucky was. The water was at a perfect temperature and Bucky was using a washcloth to keep the part of her upper body out of the water warm and wet. He was soaking the cloth in the water and then passing it languishly on the skin of her chest and shoulders and neck in a soothing motion. 

“Your floor plan is so much better than mine,” he said pensively.

“You say that like you’ve never been here before,” she said, her eyes still closed.

“It’s actually the first time I’ve been in your bathroom.”

“Is it really?” She wondered and turned around slightly to look at him.

He nodded and dropped a quick but delicate kiss on her lips. 

“We’re always at my place,” he answered.

“That’s because you have a better television set,” she settled back comfortably on his chest.

Bucky chuckled and she felt it along her spine. 

“I’m starved,” she said. 

Bucky hummed behind her. “The canapés were pretty good, you didn’t have any?”

“I didn’t get a chance. You stuffed your face with all the appetizers.”

“Hey!” He splashed some water at her face and she licked the droplets on her lips as she laughed. “Wanna order sushis?” 

“What is it with your new obsession with sushi?”

“Sushis are amazing. You don’t like it?” He asked, resuming to caress her skin with the wet cloth.

“To a moderate level. Certainly not to the point of eating raw fish and sticky rice every damn supper.” She wrinkled her nose.

“I’m not the one constantly dragging our asses to Veselka,” Bucky huffed.

“Their dumplings are delicious, don’t deny it,” she said and since it was a rhetorical question because she was absolutely right, she kept going without letting him interject. “They remind me of Poland.”

There was a short pause before Bucky asked, “Why Poland?”, quietly.

“I spent a month there during the war. You and the Howlies joined me to take down that armory base in the autumn of 1944.”

Sometimes he needed a little nudging to trigger old memories. The war ones seemed to be particularly fuzzy. She knew by now how to help him access the missing parts of his life. How to patiently retell what happened to him, to her, to Steve, to all of them.

He was silent again for a short moment.

“James?” She asked quietly.

“Yeah. No I don’t—” he stopped himself.

She turned slightly in his arms. He had abandoned the cloth, the piece of fabric now forgotten at the bottom of the bathtub. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, not holding tightly but just enough to tell her that he was lost in his head.

“Jacques tried to seduce a girl from the village,” she recalled. “He didn’t know she was married. Her husband chased him with an actual pitchfork from the town hall where the locals were hiding us.”

She grazed the skin of his arm as she told him and a smile finally appeared on his face, small, but soft.

“He had to hide in a barn near the field we were camped in,” Bucky finished the story once he finally remembered it. “Aw man, he was so terrified. Steve and I took turns in bringing him food.”

“Yes, he refused to come out,” she commented before they just fell silent and Peggy leaned her head on the side to rest it on his shoulder. His arms squeezed around her body in a demanding embrace and they fell in a comfortable silence.

“I want pierogis now,” she finally declarer after a long while. “We could go out, I think they are open late.”

“We are not getting out of your apartment tonight, doll.”

Something warm fluttered in her chest at the endearing name. He had never called her anything like that. He always called her ‘Peg’ and she loved it, because he was the only to dare use that diminutive. It was all his. 

 

“Oh we’re not?” She asked coyly. 

“Absolutely not.” 

His flesh hand trailed down her stomach until he reached her mounts and let his fingers played a little with the soft hair, teasing her mercilessly. 

He started rocking his hips under her and she felt his half-hard length against her lower back, just at the dawn of her hips, twitching and getting hard. 

“I’m not finished with you yet,” he whispered in her ear.

She let out a moan as his fingers dove in and started to draw circles on her clit, the water making them slid lusciously on her sensitive skin. 

“I guess we’ll have to order sushi then,” she let out in a whimpering breath she wasn’t able to control.

“Too bad,” he whispered again as he brought up his metal hand to cup her breast and started rolling her nipple between his thumb and finger, eliciting a throaty moan from her.

…

Bucky called the sushi place and Peggy only slipped a t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts to open the door to the delivery boy and give him a generous tip, as they usually did since he delivered their food from Manhattan on the regular.

Bucky didn’t bother to dress beyond slipping on a pair of boxers, much to Peggy’s relief. As much as she loved admiring his bare skin and miles of taut muscles, she had no desire to eat or watch Bucky eat in the nude. Some things simply weren’t sanitary.

They ate cross-legged on the bed and finished the bottle of wine they started in the bath. The carton containers and chopsticks were roughly thrown on the floor next to the bed once they were done and now Peggy was laying on top of Bucky’s glorious naked body, still covered in sweat, enjoying the peaceful bliss of another orgasm. 

It was strange. Strange and also terribly instinctive. It was as she was exactly where she belonged. With James Barnes, in her bed, breathing peacefully under her, naked and satiated. 

“What happens now?” Bucky said barely above a whisper, like he was afraid to break the spell. “Where do we go from here?” 

She grumbled in response. She didn’t want to have that conversation. They didn’t need it. She didn’t need it. And maybe, maybe yes, it would wise to talk, because they had a lot of baggages. Years and years of them. They went through decades from comrades in arms to enemies, to friends to finally, well, she couldn’t say they were lovers, it was beyond that. They were their own end games.

“You really want to talk about that now?” She said, not ungratefully but with a hint of annoyance nonetheless.

“Don’t you?”

“Actually I don’t.” She lifted herself up, her hands on his chest to look at him. “I want to enjoy this. I want to be care free for a little while. Don’t we deserve it?”

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and bit his bottom lip, looking pensive. She knew that expression. He was putting too much thoughts into this.

“You deserve the world Peggy. I just— I just want to know what this is. I just wanna make sure this is really what you want.”

If she wasn’t so close to him and thus forcing him to look into her eyes, he would have drifted his gaze away.

“What do you mean?” She frowned.

“I don’t know if I can give you what you deserve. I’m not a goo— I mean I am now, but I’ve not always been. And you, you deserve someone truly good. Someone...” He let his voice trailed away and she lifted herself up higher in an almost dominative stance.

She didn’t let him elaborate. She simply couldn’t. She knew what he was trying to say and he was wrong, absolutely wrong.

“I’m going to stop you right there James Buchanan Barnes,” she said as she poked her fingers on his chest punctuating his full name, making him blink in surprise. “You’re the only thing I’m sure of in this world. You’re the only thing that truly matters to me. I haven’t been chasing you around the world for years, asking Howard to experiment on me and making you going through hell and back to give up now. You’re the most beautiful, good and pure soul to walk this Earth and you gave me back hope, you helped me find myself again. I know exactly what we are, where we’re going. We’re going to take our futures and make it our own. We’re going to be happy because _you_ make me hopelessly happy. You bring me joy and stability and pride. I—.” she stopped herself suddenly, realizing she was rambling and he was watching her with a spark in his eyes, looking amused and something else she couldn’t really identify. “What is it? Are you listening to what I’m saying?”

His grin grew brighter and lit up his eyes beautifully.

“I love you Peg,” 

She quieted down, now completely at lose with words when a minute ago she was ready to talk his ears out with all the things she wanted him to understand. She shook her head. How could she be both so annoyed and completely falling head over heels with this man at the same time.

“I love you too,” she said, finishing the words between his lips. “You dumbass,” she concluded when she pulled away.

Bucky laughed, the sound making her ears sing, and then rolled her over so he could pin her between the mattress and his body to give her a bruising kiss.


End file.
